Camp Chocobo
by Chocobo Watcher
Summary: Whilst on a mission, our heroes encounter a thief. Rated M for posterior injury and language, among other things. Does Zack truly deserve a purple moogle?XD


The big yellow bird ambled his way toward the flimsy looking nest-like structure. The sounds that had been emanating from it in the past few hours had piqued its curiosity. The bird (we'll call him Osho) had seen humans behaving oddly before, but it had never heard sounds like this. They seemed to remind him of... something. Just what he wasn't exactly sure, being a chocobo. Having also seen many humans who seemed intent on watching _his_ habits from a distance, the big bird had begun secretly watching _them_. Besides, the taller male human had a shiny pretty thing that would impress his desired female for certain. It was just a question of nabbing it.....

* * *

"Good fucking Gaiaaaaaaargh!" Angeal practically screamed as the curious, surprised bird hastily withdrew it's head from the opening of the tent. "What the fucking hell....!?" "It was aiming for my toes, I tell you!" Zack shouted groggily as he thrashed his way out from under the covers. Angeal squinted around the tent in the semi-darkness and realized it must be somewhere near dawn. Great. They'd had maybe 2.5 hours of sleep between the two of them. Angeal _hated _it when post-coital sleep was interrupted like that. Then he noticed something was missing.

"Zack, have you seen my pants?" Angeal said as he fumbled about. "No", Zack replied, trying not to look amused in any way at all and failing. "Gaia be damned. I'll bet the stupid bird was after my belt buckle. It is mating season."

"What, do the symbols on it translate into big fucking ass chocobo magnet?" Zack snarked, knowing full well it was a bad idea. "And just what does that make _**you**_?" retorted Angeal has he pulled him onto his back from behind.

"Ow! Hey! Cut it out!" Zack cried as Angeal whopped him with a pillow. "You know, " Zack cackled, "This might be the first time on record that you've lost your pants first."

"All right, cadet. Just for that no more nookie. Now get your pants off."

"What!? Angeal, that doesn't make any sense!"

" That's an _order_, Cadet Fair!".

Ten minutes later Zack, minus his pants and clad only in his underwear and leviathans tear, stood shivering outside the tent. Angeal, with his usual genius,had managed to improvise a loincloth from Zack's pants. It left Zack strangely perturbed. The idea of hunting down Angeal's pants armed with Shinra know-how and dressed only in his underwear made Zack embarrassed. Literally. And it was amusing his mentor no end.

"Well, It can't have gone far." Angeal stood at the edge of camp, scanning the horizon with his field glasses. The tracks in the dust led directly east, which led to dense forest groves along the river. The sky had begun to lighten somewhat, indicating the dawn was not far off. "Once we track it down, I'll distract it and you rush in and grab them."

"**I'll** rush in and grab them?! They're _your pants_!" Zack snorted. "True, " Angeal replied "But **I** am the officer in charge of this mission, so get focused before I have to discipline you for insubordination."

"I thought you said there wasn't going to be any more nookie."

"You've just earned yourself detention when we get back. Now drop and give me twenty."

Zack dropped down and proceeded to do 20 push-ups easily, using only one arm for emphasis. He wanted to add how absurd it was. The thought of detention on their return was not helping to lessen his libido.

"Let's go, pup." Angeal slapped him lightly on the ass and the two made their way after the thieving chocobo. The trail continued eastward into fairly dense timber. Zack found it hard to concentrate because he was cold and horny. One thing Angeal was right about-Zack was a slut.

As they walked, Angeal took the opportunity to regale his subordinate with one of his famous quizzes. These ranked just below his morality lectures with many of the cadets, Zack included. And they all could recite the answers in their sleep- provided Angeal stuck to the subjects he lectured on in class. in In Zack's case he seldom if ever, did.

"What do you know about chocobos in general?" Angeal quizzed.

"They come in different colors, and range in temperament from the mild to boldly aggressive. They can be domesticated, but the best genetic strains have come largely from wild varieties. Their diet consists of various types of greens, which are attached to a root. Ghysahl and pasana are two types. During mating season or certain times of the year, nuts are consumed as well."

"Very good." Angeal replied. " I see you've been paying attention in class. What can you tell me about the specimen we are presently tracking?"

"He's big, he's brave, and he likes large shiny objects?" Zack tried not to sound obvious.

"Think for a minute, cadet."

"It's hard to when your feet are cold your ass is freezing." Zack pouted.

"Well, from the looks of things we should find that bird momentarily. Attaining the objective should warm you up, if nothing else. The nest should be right through...there." Angeal indicated a darkening gap in between two trees. You're being graded on how you utilize your skills without your sword." Angeal crouched down in the grass to wait. Zack sighed and reluctantly trotted towards the towering woods.

* * *

"Hup hup hup hup hup hup HUP!" Zack exhaled frantically as the enormous yellow bird chased him furiously down the path. The dumb bird was gaining, and likely to cause him great bodily injury. He was thankful that it wasn't one of the types that could unleash a meteor or fireball, but damn, that bird had a wicked looking beak!

Zack streaked through the meadow grass, holding the pants in a ball against his legs. Osho was furious! His desired lady bird was due to come down to the meadow at any time, and he wanted to show her the nest. And now these two lummoxes had insisted on stealing back the best decoration he had. The smaller human would pay!

"AAAAAARRRGH!" Zack screamed as the wrathful bird managed to peck him on the buttocks. He went sprawling headfirst into the grass and, at the last moment, hurled the belt buckle away as hard as he could. He rolled over a few times and then lay there in agony, the pain coursing through his left side. Eventually he became aware of a sound that was unfamiliar, and then he realized that Angeal was standing over him. Had he been laughing?

"Zack, that was....." Angeal paused to think.

"Ow! Damn it, Angeal, I'm bleeding to death here!" Zack attempted to hand Angeal his pants, then fell back into the grass, wincing from the pain.

"You are not, cadet, and that was a solid c plus. You chose cut and run over stealth which is not the best way to deal with a 400 pound feather duster with an attitude. I'm afraid the belt buckle will have to be recorded as a loss. But you did complete the objective, which was the return of my pants."

Angeal proceeded to remove Zack's pants and put on his own. He then helped Zack to his feet and examined the wound.

"Looks like we need to get back to camp and fix that. Can you walk?"

"Agh! No, it hurts like a bitch!" Zack staggered on his feet, blood dripping down his leg.

"All right cadet, this once I'm going to fly you back to camp. I'm not supposed to do that but that wound may be deeper than it looks. As long as you leave out this detail when they ask you, I'll put you in for a purple moogle. Eventually. Plus, you'll have a scar." Angeal put the arm of Zack over his shoulder and gently lifted him from the ground. Within a few minutes they were back in camp.

The chocobo was no longer in evidence. He had picked up the belt buckle where it had fallen and was trotting back to the nest, whistling happily to himself. He had watched the two male humans depart and was surprised the bigger one could fly. But such things were of small concern to a chocobo. His prospective mate was what counted, and he had risen to the challenge.

Zack winced as Angeal administered the herbal anesthetic potion to his backside. He lay naked on his stomach inside the tent. While Angeal fiddled with the medical kit. The sun was just beginning to peep above the horizon, and the area was springing to life.

One quick cure materia and a handful of caresses later, and Zack felt almost as good as new. Until Angeal began to quiz him again, a fitting prelude to his detention....

The End?!


End file.
